redback_bites23

We all create our own realities to live in, how aware of this we are, as individuals is questionable. A few things have got me thinking about this over the last little while. The big prompter came from my friend, Flossie, who made a comment about the world she had constructed to live in.

We’re all shaped by our personal experiences from the time we are born. Our personalities and personal resilience can help determine the paths we choose to walk. Some people have more things that can chip away at their resilience than others.

Resilience is something that I have watched and had an interest in, in others for a long time. I have worked with many groups of people whose lives have been filled with challenges, the majority of people can barely imagine. Massive challenges that can impact on the person’s health and well-being. All people are different, some people have a strong resilience and are able to move forth and live happy, full, healthy lives. Others not so much so.

Any person has multiple narratives going on in their lives, but which moments they choose to grab onto for themselves will determine how they see the world, how they move in the world and how others see them. What points they grab onto effects their resilience and their overall story.

A few years ago, I had a moment in time, which I remember very clearly. I was driving along, on a work day, going from one meeting to another. I remember thinking, ‘Everything is fucked, what is the point, there is no hope for the future’. I had been working for a long time in various jobs that involved advocating for and teaching Canberra’s most vulnerable people. I know now, that that was a key point in time, in the decline of my mental health. I had heard too many awful stories about other people; I had supported various other people close to me with their serious mental health issues; I had struggled financially over the years, and had enormous stress that came with that; I had ‘come out’ as being a lesbian…..and many other things. At that time I worked in a job where I had to have a big picture understanding of; our health care system, including hospitals, mental health, aged care; what was happening for people with disabilities; what was happening inside our prisons and what was happening for people with drug and alcohol issues. Everything seemed in decline and hopeless, money was being taken away from various services, which meant life was going to become more and more of a struggle for a lot of people.
Everything just suddenly became too much. I was already shutting some things out. I ended up leaving that job, for several reasons, but maybe also partly because I didn’t want to carry all that information. For a few years now I have not watched the news, read any kind of news articles or watched television. My resilience had completely worn away and I ended up sick.

Sometimes I feel naïve because I don’t know what’s going on in the world, but I can’t deal with it. It’s overwhelming. There is so much information flying around and the quality of that information is highly questionable. News items are often people’s opinions rather than anything valid or real, but it gets presented in a way that many people believe it. People are often not critical enough with the information they take in.

Now I am getting better and have more resilience I still live in a reality I have constructed for myself. As I said earlier, everyone does this, but now I know that if I let too much of certain things in, I will become unbalanced and unwell. In constructing my reality I don’ always ‘dream’ the way ‘we’ are often told to. I have wanted a house of my own for about 25 years, I am no closer to his now than I was back then. I have wanted to travel, and see more of the world, but I don’t know if this will happen now. I have mourned not having children, and dealt with that. I have not amounted to ‘being anyone of note’ with my art practise. A contributor to some of these things being I have been a low income earner for many years. My current situation sees me as not being able to work full time, having to take a step back to ‘easier’ less demanding (in some ways) work because of my health.

Unfortunately so many things revolve around money, I don’t look at what I can’t have. I don’t go in shops where I know I can’t afford things. I don’t look at travel to places I can’t visit. In short if I know something is beyond me financially I don’t go there, and never have.

My constructed world now consists of trying to successfully maintain two significant relationships. Getting great enjoyment out of the home I live in, with one of my partners and my three pets. Spending time with my parents and assisting them with life as they age. Having a job, for now, that I can feel useful in, without having any high flying aspirations. Making art in various forms and doing all my travelling and dreaming through those processes. Enjoyment in life needs to be found in the simple things. Eating good food, the rain outside, patting my pets, my partners’ laugh. This is my reality. To really live in the now, with these simple things. It's not to say I won't have other things, or dreams I have 'wanted'. Everything else is too big, and scary, and precarious.

I am floating. Drifting along, in a river. Feet not touching the ground. Feeling patches of warm and cool water as I drift through. Not drowning, keeping afloat, but not having any real control over where I am going, and not really being sure if that is good or bad or just is.
The past twelve months has seen me completely dismantle myself, who I am, why I am here and how I am me. It had to be done, for the sake of my health and well being, otherwise I am sure I would have not been able to keep living. I felt like I was like a suitcase and I had been jamming bits and pieces of clothing into myself and it had gotten all wrinkly and I had no idea what was in there. I felt like I needed to get all the bits out and look at them. Do some sorting, throw some bits out and do some ironing and put what needs to be put back in, back in. Look at my hopes and dreams and the stuff I thought I was made of.

I am at a point where things are unpacked, they’re lying in heaps around an open suitcase and I am terrified. Twice recently friends recounted situations where they had obtained some sort of gadget and after the construction of the gadget they had found a couple of spare parts left over, which left them wondering as to what the parts are and what they are for, and if indeed the gadget will not work, or suddenly collapse without them. I was once a functional gadget, extra bits or not but somewhere along the line I turned into a dysfunctional, overflowing suitcase.

I am looking at all the clothing, all the bits that go in the suitcase and trying to work out what I need to keep and what I need to throw out. If something is really me, or if it’s outdated and needs to be thrown out. Wondering if some pieces are really me at all, but being scared about throwing them out, what if they are essential to my very being and once gone they are gone.

I do know that not all the pieces are going to fit back into the suit case, this is both good and bad. I have realised that I have been carrying far too much and I can’t keep carrying it all. It feels like some of my hopes and dreams will never come to be, I’ve been carrying them for far too long and I have tried to make them happen, but they haven’t, and now the thoughts of them just cause me pain.

As I pack my new backpack up, I need to work out what to leave behind and what to take with me. Otherwise the contents of the suitcase will wrap around me in the river and drag me to the bottom.

I have been thinking about blogging about my journey as I do Kitten of the Year. I am not sure how I will go over time in terms of regular blogs, but here we go with the first post.

I have been involved with Miss Kitka’s House of Burlesque for three years now. I first became involved as a drag king performer. As a drag king, there have always been few places to perform in Canberra and those places had dried up. I had been to a Kitka show, The Sheriff’s Daughter, which was the first local burlesque show I had seen. I went because a friend was in it. In this particular show, it followed a story line and there were male characters in it. Cowboy types. At the time I had thought it would be awesome and bring something extra or different to the show if it was a drag king. So when my performance opportunities had dried up I contacted Miss Kitka and told her a bit about myself as a performer and ended up in the next show as a male character.

For me this whole experience and story is also about gender. I had been doing drag king performance for a while and had pretty much made my own way with this. I had had no tutors in it, I just learnt off my own bat. I had never performed before this in any kind of way. I had become interested in drag king performance as I came out as a lesbian, and my world was changing dramatically. I could be who I wanted to be, or this is how it felt. I had always felt that I had a masculine unexpressed side and this was a way to do it. My first king performance was a couple of years after I had decided that I would do it somehow in some way and that was about 8 years ago.

A woman in the lesbian community had moved to Canberra from Melbourne and was putting together a drag king performance for a women’s only queer event. This is what I had been waiting for. A group of us got together and she showed us some basics and we did a one off show for the event. After that I kept going, taking every chance I could to perform, which wasn’t often and always within the LGBTI community. I entered drag idol competitions and eventually someone convinced me to run a drag king workshop. Which I did. From this, a few of us formed a group for a while and performed reasonably regularly over a few years. People came and went from the group, but I loved it and continued to look for opportunities to perform.

This gave me the opportunity to express a part of myself. I was celebrating the masculine. Doing this taught me a lot about gender and how people respond to it. I nearly always had a ‘straight’ woman come and try to self consciously flirt with me in the early days. This always threw me; I never really knew how to respond. A lot of the lesbian community like drag kings but many also don’t. Lesbians, gay men and straight women have all fancied Mr Teal. Straight men often laugh, but in a good way and give me advice and tell me what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. Mostly they laugh at my accuracy because they see themselves in the character.

Mr Green Teal is very much a part of me and how I see myself. I have learnt that gender binaries don’t sit comfortably at all for me. I am more of a gender fluid person.

For the most part of this time, I became more masculine in my everyday appearance. Wearing mostly men’s clothing and vowing a few years ago that I would never wear a skirt again. This was shifting slightly as I became involved with Miss Kitkas. I had been completely immersed in the LGBTI community until this time as I had ‘lost’ a lot of my straight friends when I came out. Not because there was any real rejections, (okay there was a couple), but because my life was vastly different and I couldn’t relate to them anymore. We had the past in common, but not much in common in the present.

When I did the first show with Miss Kitkas I was very wary about what the women in the show would think of me. First of all I was a lesbian; secondly I was dressing like a man. I had been sitting in a place of relative safety about my identity and didn’t have to fear rejection over sexuality. The added detail here was that I was sharing a dressing room with these women, who for a good part of the time were practically naked. I was very careful when staring randomly into space that no one was in my field of vision for fear of them thinking I was perving at them. I was in a position that many women loving women and men would be extremely envious of. But I wasn’t allowed to perve, it would be most disrespectful. To be one of the ‘girls’ (sitting in the corner dressed as a man) I had to behave respectfully, not like someone in a lolly shop.

So I was quiet at first. I had joined the rehearsals for the production at a later time than them which meant they had already had time to form bonds with each other. It felt a bit tricky. By the time we had done the show I realised they were all lovely and very open minded. In fact much more open minded than the queer community which I was used to. They were very encouraging of Mr Green Teal and didn’t hold back that they thought he was a spunk. This was different from the queer women, who I could never really tell what they thought. The burly ladies had created a very safe, supportive environment for each other to be women in, to be people in, and I had just joined that environment, so why wouldn’t they be forthcoming with support and encouragement.

Just as I had joined Miss Kitkas to do that first production I had been thinking about accessing my feminine side again. It had been a while and I had never done this as a queer woman, which is different from doing it as a straight woman. When I use these labels I use them loosely, I don’t believe that sexuality and gender fits neatly into boxes, it’s all fluid. I speak very generally and use these terms to create a narrative about my experiences.

It was very interesting watching the women in that first production and just how much they changed and grew in confidence, even in such a short period of time (maybe two months). It was fantastic seeing them celebrate and be happy with who they are and their bodies. This same thing happened with subsequent productions and lessons. In my experience as a straight woman there was a whole lot of pressures to be female in a particular kind of way and I believe in some ways this is getting even worse/harder for women. Feminism is definitely not an out dated way of being.

When I came out as a lesbian many of these ‘rules’ no longer existed and I thought I was free to be something more. Which, I was for a while... I soon discovered that many of the ways of dressing or things I thought were really cool fitted the lesbian uniform(s)/stereotypes. Who knew there were bunches of women just like me. I began to not feel less like the wallflower I had been all my life, but someone who fitted and had ‘stuff’ going for me.

The only problem here is that queer women also feel a whole lot of pressure to conform in particular ways. If you are ‘too feminine’ you may disappear in the eyes of other lesbians or not be recognised. You may be seen as not ‘enough’ of a lesbian. If you are too butch then surely you really want to be a man. There is also pressure with both butches and femmes to do and look, and be a particular ‘thing’ to fit what is called butch and what is called femme. There seems to be some lesbian mafia somewhere that dictates the correct behaviour and look.

Watching that first production and wanting to extend on my performances skills, and explore my femme side lead me to do the beginner burlesque classes, which was followed by the intermediate classes. Then there was an end of year show, Kitten of the Year, which I participated in, in drag. This was because I had a major art exhibition on and didn’t think I could manage so many new things. Again, I saw a group of women go through the process and really bloom. A number of them were women who I had also done my beginner and intermediate classes with. I vowed I would do the next show ‘girly burlesque style’, because I wanted to grow that part of me.

At the beginning of that year 2012 my health started to decline. I had already been experiencing some problems but it continued. The doctors didn’t know if it was peri menopause or something else, but the main experience was that it felt like my uterus needed ripping out of my body because it was giving me so much pain. Going to burlesque lessons and participating in that first production as Arachne Phobia kept me partly sane. I really felt like I was faking it the whole time. I felt like crap, I was supposed to be feeling great and energised and feminine and alive from doing the burlesque lessons and the show. But I felt old and peri menopausal and in pain. The very parts of my body that are supposed to be physically sexy or those that are connected to sexuality were hurting me. I didn’t really get any kind of buzz from that show. I enjoyed it in the moment, but the next day any joy was gone (that is impact of depression).

I know so many of the women who I have done burlesque with, have amazing stories of facing their own fears and feelings of adversity and more recently we can add men to this experience as well. This is why most of us keep doing burlesque. There is the beautiful lady who bared her scars after having breast cancer; there is the woman recovering from a serious cancer of the cervix scare; there is the mums who deal with pooey nappies every day; there is the women who see themselves as overweight and definitely not sexy; there is the performers that deal with mental health issues daily...the list goes on. In some ways my story is not unique, but one to add to the stories and experiences that exist. It’s the companionship, the laughing, the facing our fears about our bodies, about stereotypes of what men and women are meant to be. It’s the being daggy together and the getting dressed up and being glamorous that brings us all together.

I had wanted to continue with the burlesque that year but my health was declining and I had to give up a number of things in order to look after myself. I did go to the end of year Kitten of the Year Show.

Kitten of the Year is annual production Miss Kitka puts on. People enrol in this as a course (as with all her productions) and can negotiate how much they want to be involved in the show. Kitten of the Year is a ‘competition’ for Kitten of the Year, although the competitive element really does not exist in such a supportive environment. Each performer who chooses to compete is to research a vintage burlesque performer, pre 1965. They are to find out about the performer, find pictures of them and a clip of them performing. In this process they also need to contact the performer and ask permission to pay tribute to that performer. Part way through the course each performer ‘copies’ the photo they have chosen of the performer. These are used as later publicity for the show and also for the performer to get a ‘nice’ photo of themselves, a bit like vintage glamour shots. The performer then works towards copying the chosen clip of the performer as closely as they can. The performances are judged by a panel of judges and there is also an audience choice winner.

The winners then become Miss Kitkas bitches for the year. Seriously though, the winners become the face(s) of Miss Kitkas business for the next year. This includes being the poster girl/boy of the productions and performing at various events and hosting hen’s parties.

I was very disappointed that I could not do that production but went along to support the performers and Miss Kitka and of course have an awesome night out.

I think about my childhood and how I loved pretty dresses. I wanted to do ballet just so I could wear a tutu. I did a couple of ballet lessons then didn’t want to go anymore because I realised I would have to work real hard to get that tutu.

I see the ladies in the Kitka shows, as so beautiful and the little girl in me and the grown woman wants to be just like that, they are grown up versions of that little girl I wanted to be wearing a tutu, but never got there. If I have known them at all, that only adds because I have known what they have had to overcome to be part of the show and to be as glamorous and pretty as what they look. Having said that the burly ladies are always laughing at how glamorous it is. For the last couple of years this has felt like something I can’t be, but someone that I want to be. My health continued to decline last year and coming into this year it seemed to be resolved. Then I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which was actually the cause, or so it would seem of all the pain.

This has continued to have an impact on me for the last 9 months. All together I’ve been unwell for at least 2 ½ years and not really known how unwell I’ve been, until now as I slowly get better. I was suicidal last year, and told no one. It’s a very wearing experience in the least. I have felt anything but attractive, any confidence I have gained in myself as a ‘grown up’ has dwindled away and I feel like an old woman who should be leaving this ‘stuff’ to the younger women. That’s on a bad day. On a good day I feel empowered to show the world that I still have ‘something’ and that ‘older’ women can be attractive as well.

I don’t know how to be a femme queer lady and I want that, and I want to access that part of myself and express it, as it’s as important as being Mr Green Teal. The masculine side of me is more the default me, but I am learning I like to be feminine and ‘girly’ sometimes. This still feels clumsy and I am hoping by doing Kitten of the Year I will feel better about it. That I will feel the performance buzz everyone else talks about. I did feel it in the last show, which was Mr Green Teal’s biggest show, but it was as a man/masculine me. This is much easier and more comfortable than feminine me. I believe that playing homage to Betty Howard ‘The Girl Who has Everything’ will teach me how to be more feminine and how to feel comfortable with it.

It has become one of my goals to enter Kitten of the Year and be the beautiful femme woman I have always wanted to be, but never felt like I have been, and even wondered if I could.

In my experience when you are young you don’t think too much about what it will be like when you are older. You might have some plans and hopes and dreams, you might have lots of plans and hopes and dreams and feels a bit like a vast expanse of time you have to do them all in. Even if it’s only next year. When I was about 24 I made a conscious decision to ‘work on myself’ because I was convinced I would never meet Mr Right and that I would be living on my own forever. This was an OK thought to me at the time. I had dreams of making my way through art school, which I had just started and somehow or another I would end up living in my grandmother’s house in Ainslie, long after she was gone.

So I started the work on myself. I worked my way through art school, a couple of years after that completing a graduate diploma in teaching and then entering into my first job in the community sector. For a number of years I worked hard, I developed many skills both in my creative endeavours and through my work with the various community groups that is Canberra. Then I had another landmark time, which was when I came out as being a lesbian (this label has changed since then) and began another parallel journey into discovering and working out my ‘queerness’. In this time I became very involved in the Queer community.

The time frame that I am talking about for all of this is now just over 20 years. I have spent all this time ‘working on myself’ and creating an identity and developing an idea of who I am...perhaps, whoever does, I think it’s always evolving. In about the last 5 -10 years there has been times I have been considered a bit of an ‘authority’ on particular things, issues and topics, just because I have been around for so long doing some of these things. Because I do many things, I am more a ‘jack of all trades’ than a specialist in anything.

I recognise a big part of this is also about me. I buck the system so to speak. I refuse to fit into any kinds of moulds if they feel uncomfortable and I do my own thing. My entire life I always sat on the edge of various things. My friendship groups were wide and varied, but I was never in the centre of one.

In any case, I have done lots of things, and done them in the way that I want to do them, and had a sense of identity based around how people might have perceived me in relation to these things. People would ask me for information or advice and I would tell them. There are plenty of ‘stars’ out there who I have supported. Who I have given key information to about life opportunities, which has meant the person has the chance to fulfil their dreams.

I became very active in Canberra’s LGBTI community, and at one point thought I must have known every lesbian in Canberra. This was both good and bad. I found when I entered the lesbian community I could use many of the skills gained in work life to do things to assist the LGBTI community and I did go from someone who was quite shy and not in the spotlight in any kind of way to someone, who on the surface was quite extroverted. This was because I implemented a number of activities on a regular basis for the community and also began performing as part of my art expression and the audiences were most often the gay community. The assumption from many people was that I was a flamboyant extrovert. This really was not true.

This takes me up to 2010. In 2010 I ended up shutting myself off a bit in order to finish writing a thesis that I had started a couple of years earlier. It was time to get the fucker done and finish the degree that I had started the year I came out.

At the beginning of 2011 I emerged again and was ready to be a bit more sociable. The only thing is there appeared to be no one around. I felt a bit lonely and disconnected as it seemed that some of the friends I had made had moved on or weren’t interested in catching up. Thing is, I had been so active in all the things I had been doing, but I realised that I had few real friends. I had previously been surrounded, but it was with people who were there because I had organised the ‘thing’, not because they were friends.

It was a bit tough, I started to reach out and try to connect with some people, some old friends some new friends. At the same time I had experienced a few health issues. I had also finished my thesis and was wondering if the job that I was in was really ‘me’. I decided it wasn’t and resigned with the idea that I would have a bit of time off before starting a new job. Which would be the right one. It was a leap of faith that did lead me to the job that I am currently in. One very amazing thing also happened in this time, I met (one of) my partners. We had met briefly previously but it wasn’t until I asked her for coffee, in an effort to make new friends that we connected properly. Unfortunately she had already decided to leave Australia for her native New Zealand, which she did a couple of months later (that is a whole other story).

Now this is about when the ‘stuff they don’t tell you’ starts to kick in. I had had some health problems and my body had been changing slightly for a couple of years. Nothing major, I had been and had some general health checks done previously and I was fine. I also understand that this is my story and it what I say is true to me and my experiences. Some of it will resonate with people with chronic illnesses and some will resonate with others for whatever reasons.

I have had lots and lots of energy for many years, and lots of drive to do all the things that I do. I don’t believe that age should matter and I certainly try my hardest not to be ageist. But the stuff they don’t tell you about middle age or being peri menopausal or whatever it is when you are young is really not fair.

It’s shit. Plain and simple. I had a full year last year of being in pain 90% of the time. The doctors couldn’t name what was wrong with me; they just went about treating my symptoms. The focus of my symptoms being the pain I was in. But the effects were far wider than this.
I went from having much much energy to hardly any. I couldn’t go out, I couldn’t do much and this did my head in. I felt socially isolated, but it was really hard to make any plans to do anything because I never knew if I would have the energy or not or if I would be in pain or what. So I became one of those people who could not commit to anything or who would possibly have to cancel at the last minute. Now I get this, there are people who are quite able who do this who are a pain in the arse, and there are people with illnesses etc who really want to be there and be doing something and to see you but they can’t. Of course after a while, most people stop inviting you, so you just get forgotten and left behind.

Trying to tell people you aren’t well and also trying to explain that there is no end in sight is also hard. People say things like ‘let me know if I can do anything’ but really they think you will be better in a few days, when really it could be weeks or months. My head became very fuzzy and affected the way I did things all the time. My memory was badly affected and this was very frustrating. Trying to get through any given day was often a challenge because I had no idea how capable I was going to be. This made work hard. Having to go in and be organised and do a good job was tricky. I was promoted into a manager position and I had to learn all that it entailed, plus be on top of it and at least appear to know what I was doing for my staff team. Which on many days I just didn’t feel that way at all. Going to the doctor every couple of months and still not getting any joy in getting anywhere with any solutions was very frustrating. With new treatment ideas came renewed hope for a short period of time until I realised it really hadn’t worked at all.

So it appeared that the issue probably was/is peri menopause. Although it’s still not clear. This is the stuff they don’t tell you when you are young. They don’t tell you how miserable you can feel through all of this and how lonely it is, because NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. The whole ‘thing’ is kind of just not something that is openly discussed and some subjects within it are just scoffed at. The whole ‘but you don’t seem old’ or ‘age is just a number’ or ‘you as as young as you feel’. Well, I can tell you that I went from feeling really energetic like I could take on the world to feeling 90. And no it’s not a tiredness that a good night’s sleep will fix. It just goes on and on. I also had had a very healthy libido. OH NO, LIBIDO, now that is something that everyone is ‘supposed’ to have. A very taboo subject to talk about because we’re all supposed to fuck like rabbits, always (except for our parents or our children, they never have sex). Well for me, my libido had become very much a very important part of whom and what I am, especially since coming out. It has suffered. The feeling of desire still there, but the feeling of being covered by thick blankets, that have a heaviness that you have to fight the weight of to get anywhere, is not always conducive to sex. Definitely not conducive to picture I had of myself as the forever charming and able to please my partners whenever and wherever I (and they) wanted.

People stopped asking me questions; people were no longer interested in my opinions on things. I felt passed over on many occasions and as if I had nothing to offer anymore. My self esteem suffered all round. I often felt depressed to a point of not wanting to be alive. I felt hopeless and stupid. So many of the things I had, ‘worked on myself’ as being, went out the window, they disintegrated and it was hard to know who I was. I was also fighting being angry, I had just reached a time before all this had begun, where I felt like I really knew who I was and what I wanted and it was cut down, because I didn’t have the energy to do any of the things I wanted to do.

I also have to add that I work in this area, I know what signs and symptoms are in relation to peri menopause and I know about body changes after 40. I believe in sexual and reproductive health for everyone. Even for me working in it and around other people who support it, it was hard. I hate to think about what it could be like for other women. It feels like some sort of ‘excuse’ for particular behaviours and something (cis) women are to just deal with. I tried reading some books and I went to a forum my work conducted (in partnership with another organisation) and the information about this ‘stuff’ for queer women is shit. So much of it just doesn’t apply. Our context seems very different. When the woman who is the specialist on relationships and libido as a guest speaker in forums keeps talking about the male partner and all about him, it’s just downright annoying and the advice and what is being offered is not something that can be transferred around in one’s head to apply to women. Queer women relate to each other differently and some of our issues are different, the information they were offering just didn’t apply to me. I managed to find one book aimed at lesbian women. Some woman’s thesis. It was shit, I stopped reading it when she kept going on about women who are heterosexual as being conditioned in different ways, so women who had come out at an older age would have this conditioning, it was insinuating that I was somehow flawed..... A total load of crap that just made me feel worse.

This is the shit ‘they’ don’t tell you, or the stuff that is just not talked about often.
This year I am feeling much better. Finally a medical procedure/medication has actually assisted me. However I am still ‘not the same’. My energy is still very low. I have to make sure I get just the right amount of sleep and enough time out to just laze around, combined with the right amount of exercise and everything else. Everything is finely balanced and if the balance is tipped I don’t feel well, either physically or mentally/emotionally.
The good thing all of this has done is it has made me realise what is important in life. My relationships are the most important thing. Nothing else matters. I am working on redefining who I am based on this, and based on the simple things in life. It doesn’t matter if people don’t want my pearls of wisdom or my company even. I am getting enjoyment out of the ‘little’ things these days, because it’s the little things that matter.

There are a number of things I have learnt over the past 6 years as to what I need to feel safe and happy in my (poly) relationships. 2012 was a particularly challenging year, as I had bad health and was in a pain a lot of the time (both physical and emotional), my longer term partner also had health issues. I had met a new (potential) partner mid way through 2011, and she left the country only a few months after we met, meaning that our relationship over the last year has been by distance. With all these challenges many of the ‘ordinary’ poly ‘rules’ or ideas were quite hard to work with or did not work at all for me.

I am someone who does have problems with jealousy, but have learnt many strategies and ways of dealing with this. With my longer term partner, we have worked through a number of challenges in the in the last 5 years. Last year I was working through some of the same and new challenges with my new partner. The year brought new lessons and really solidified some existing ideas for me. These ideas don't include the 'basics' of poly, rather some 'stuff' that I think is a bit harder to learn.

These are some of the things I need/like to do, for me, in order for me to have happy, health, poly relationships and not necessarily in this order).

1. I believe you can have whatever kind of relationship you want with who ever. I don’t believe in primary or secondary partners, that implies some kind of hierarchy. What I believe is that there is a place for whoever you choose to have a relationship with and you shape it or work it out with them. Individual people do relationships and feel things differently, they express love and affection differently, and they express themselves sexually differently. This means that every poly relationship (and relationship, could be monogamous) is going to be different. Circumstances might, or could determine how a relationship is done. An example of this, is that I live with my longer term partner (J) and my other partner (T) lives in another country. Some might look at that from the outside and determine that because I live with J and T is a long way, away then T is secondary. T is very important to me and means no less than J. I have a different dynamic with both of them. I view both of them as ‘main’ relationships.

If I was going to have another relationship now, I think it would have to be quite casual, in terms of time spent with the other person. T is currently in another country, but if T & J were both close to me I would be giving both of them a lot of time. This is what I want from them.

2. I have learnt that comparing partners to each other is not the thing to do and one of the main reasons why people suffer from jealousy. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy’ is my favourite quote. It’s about appreciating everyone for who they are (and can be applied to many things). I have read many times, that by meeting your partner’s partner - however they might describe their relationship – be it some casual or something much, much more, can often demystify them for you. They are not the best looking, smartest and most interesting person that is clearly much better in every possible way than you imagined them to be. They are indeed often someone you can like and get on with and you may even have things in common with them and you may indeed have your own friendship with them.

3. I have found that I like to be friends with or at least ‘like’ my partner’s partner. I find it’s much easier to understand why my partner would want to spend time with someone I like, than someone I don’t know or don’t like. If I am feeling insecure and they are nice, I can rationalise, that my partner has great taste, and that includes me. I have had friendships with all of J’s partners in the past.

4. The past twelve months have been solidifying for me in some of my ideas. The main one being that I like travelling along in parallel to my partner when they develop an interest and a subsequent relationship with someone else. I do get feelings of insecurity when a new partner develops interest in others. In my experiences of poly, I have met my partner, they have been single and they have subsequently met other lovers/partners. This means I have been their main ‘interest’ or centre of attention for a while before they have had involvement with others. I have realised I really need to go along the journey with them. I like to know or understand that they might have an interest in someone else, and I like to be part of how it develops. This includes seeing them interact with the other person, along the way and seeing how their relationship develops. This is not done under a microscope, the last thing I would want is for the new interest to feel uncomfortable. I just like to know what is going on and when it is going on.

5. If I don’t see the relationship develop and have limited information about it, I feel left out, and this definitely does not help my feelings of insecurity. If I don’t feel acknowledged by the other person/new lover , then I feel a sense of rejection. It’s useful to know when they have their first ‘date’ or when they are first planning on having sex. I have found the advice I have read many times of keeping yourself occupied, doing something nice for yourself on these occasions does help. I have also found that you also know it’s happened, that step is over and then you can move on.

6. I do process my feelings of insecurity fairly quickly in most cases. I do lots of positive self talk about what is good about me and what my partner likes about me and I will also talk to myself about why the new person is nice and how it is nice for my partner to have someone else they are interested in.

7. I need to understand how I sit or what my role is with my lovers and understand how it is to be with them socially. By this I mean I need to be able to go out with them to events etc and know how it is to interact with other people as a couple. I have found that being in a distance relationship I have not had this and it has contributed to reasons why I might feel insecure. Distance relationships are their own kettle of fish, and when you throw the poly element into it, it can get more complicated. I don’t believe I would pursue anyone if they were at a distance in the first instance. In my situation I met my partner and we clicked, then she left the country. We had no sense of where our relationship was going when she left, we just knew we wanted to keep trying. I had never done distance before so I found the communication tricky. We have/did see each other every couple of months for a few days, but the added complication was that I was unwell. All this being the case I do not know what it is to be her partner around others, I don’t know how she is in general interactions with others, or how I ‘should be’ with her around others.

I have had other partners (much shorter term), who did not want to be a ‘couple’ in public or found it hard for various reasons. I also believe that be interacting socially with my partner I learn a lot about her and what she is like if she fancies someone else. I get to see her flirting, there is opportunity to desensitise by witnessing all sorts of behaviours that can assist me with any jealousy issues, very early on. This type of social interaction is something I have realised I really need or would prefer and is key to me in understanding my partner and dealing with any jealousy issues. It is a foundation stone in a relationship.

8. I do know that once I have been through some experiences of my partner being with others I am perfectly fine and don’t feel any kind of threat. I think this is because they have ‘proved’ that nothing has changed with me. I know when I first meet someone that I will be hurt, I prepare myself for that. I take this as a challenge to look at why I feel that way and question my own insecurities. Although this is hard at the time, I know I can do this and do my best to look at my own my feelings and process them. I believe I learn something new every time.

In my experience, this is always a very difficult thing to manage. No one likes to hurt someone they care about, and basically I think the other person is hurt by hurting others. So the dilemma here is that if you tell the person you are hurting then they feel hurt and bad and guilty. No matter how much you attempt to own that for yourself, you can’t stop the other person’s response. I always find this hard. If I don’t tell the person I am feeling hurt they might not know at all (in the case of distance) and I can move on in my own time. But then by not telling them it feels like lying and is not a positive step in a relationship if you are trying to be honest with each other. I don’t have a solution to this one at all. I guess it could come down to monitoring how I might tell the other person how I am feeling and have them also look more into why they feel so responsible for hurting your feelings, when in fact they have done nothing wrong.

9. Social media can be a tricky thing with any relationship. It’s important it is not used as a method of communication and anyone posting anything to be careful of who might actually see it. It is fine if everyone is on the same page and has an understanding of all the relationships and how they are progressing, but I think it’s something to be very mindful of, particularly if this is not the case. If relationships are being negotiated or if there has been big shifts in existing relationships. Everyone uses social media in different ways for different reasons.

10. I think with poly relationships it is not ok to assume that your partner is getting ‘something’ from their other relationship/s without checking with you first. I am not talking about a case of jealousy, I’m talking nuts and bolts. I have been in situations where partners have assumed that I am getting ‘something’ from someone else . Whilst one of the good things about poly is being able to share workloads etc it is not always the case.Check your assumptions with your partner/s, they might not be accurate.

11. The grass is not greener over there. This comes back to the idea that there is a place for anyone who is important to you and who you might want a relationship with, or who you might want to change the way you are doing your relationship with. It also comes back to not making assumptions. I have picked up bits and pieces of stories/information on people talking about primaries and secondaries, and I guess this is why I don’t like these expressions because it implies a hierarchy and also relationship styles that I don’t subscribe to.

However, some of the assumptions might be that a primary is somehow more important. The markers of this are things like physical proximity, shared bank accounts, time spent together and living arrangements. There is assumptions that this means that the person has more dedication from the partner. I would see this more as being a proven track record.‘Secondaries’ might think they are less important, they don’t get to see their partner when they want or as often, their partner is more dedicated somehow to their primary.

Suppose these simple things...

It could simply be that that person came along first, and this is the track their relationship went on. In a primary relationship it could be hard for them to get the ‘quality’ time. It’s could all be about domestic chores and managing the day to day. It might seem to lack romance that comes with a ‘secondary’ relationship. The partner watches as their loved one goes off for an exciting night with the ‘secondary’. In the meantime the secondary thinks they mean less, they get less time (perhaps) and there is less dedication and that somehow there is a time limit to this relationship.

Some of the elements of this scenario might have truths, but this is the extreme. Anything is possible. It can be difficult for the person who is the ‘meat in the sandwich’ who has to negotiate these negative ideas held by their partners. Shape the relationship into what you want it to be. Not all relationships work out, monogamous or poly, it is not more or less likely to collapse because you are poly or because you are monogamous. It’s about relating what you want.

It could also be difficult if your relationship shifts into something that you didn’t think it would be, or become. This is about coping with change and reviewing what it is you want from the relationship. The relationship may not suit you anymore; You may think you want more or less, or to spend more or less time with your partner. You may have a breakup with a partner and that means that you want to now focus more on one of your other partners. We all have different styles and things that we want. Talk about it with your partner.

12. I have found distance poly difficult. But this is my experience. In reality it is about determining goals and what you want from your relationship. It might be determined by how close you feel to the person, if it is casual and based on sex, you might be happy to see them a couple of times a year, if you feel you want more from the relationship you might need to discuss future goals together, including being in the same place. In doing this you will need to talk about how you might cope with the change and what your relationship might look like once the move has taken place. Simple and big things like living arrangements, how often you might see each other, how your partner will fit in with your other partner/s.

If your partner is in a different place, you might need to discuss how you fit in, if they meet another partner, or if they have another partner how you fit into the existing picture. Also if they are leaving a partner behind what you can do to assist them, if they need assistance and if they will see that partner again.

13. I like to keep the big picture view. Especially when I am feeling emotionally challenged. I bring myself back to this. I am poly because I know I can and have loved more than one person at a time. It hurts me when my lovers have new lovers, but I get over it. I know this because I have done it. I know it gets easier with a new partner over time and eventually the trust is very high and I almost wish they’d go out and get someone else so I can have some time to myself  The rewards far outweigh the short periods of discomfort I have felt.

14. I can put my partners needs above my own when I am in pain/jealous and in fact it is a good strategy. If they tell me what they need and we communicate openly I will try my best to assist/enable them into a successful new relationship.

15. When I am feeling inadequate and low, I try my best to look at why I am feeling this way. What is it that is driving it. I have found that being poly brings up lots of insecurities that might otherwise stay buried. I try to reflect and figure out what button has been pressed and to deal with it in the most positive way I can. I think being poly is helping me to become a better person because of the self reflection.

16. Safe sex. Practising safe sex is high on my agenda, it’s important to me to have the conversation very early on (before you have sex!) on safe sex. I also like to get an idea about what is ok and not ok with my partners in terms of sexual activities, I like to get an idea if we are sexually compatible and work out consent. I also like to discuss issues around latex use.

17. I am not into poly families. More into each person being responsible for their relationships. I don’t believe that consent is required from anyone for my partner to enter into a new relationship. As mentioned above l like to like my partner’s partner and I like my partners to like my partners. I believe that if I wanted to introduce a new partner and my existing partner/s didn’t like them for whatever reasons the relationship with the new person would not get that far. It has not happened to me as yet, that my existing partner/s has not liked the new partner, I consider myself fortunate here.

18. Terminology and meaning. I think this is an important conversation to have and keep having. I believe many people can potentially set themself up for heartache because there is a different understanding of particular words or labels. An assumption is made as to what something means, without discussion and then it is found later that the understanding was different. Some common ones I have come across; kissing – can be seen as vitally important or not important at all; sex- different understandings of what sex actually is; open relationship – a core relationship where two people are dedicated to each other but they fuck around with others (is one understanding but not to all).

WARNING: Big pessimistic whinge coming up.

There are people who will read this who will be all sympathetic and want to offer advice. Well you know what, I don’t want it, people have been giving me advice for months. I’m sick of it. I’m over everything at the moment. Why? Because I’m over my stupid, repulsive body and the pain and grief it’s been causing me for about a year now. I must acknowledge that there are people who deal with far worse than me, which I remind myself of often. But at the end of the day I feel like shit and I’m sick to death of the daily pretence of everything being fine and good and I think I’m entitled to complain (now and again).

My body started to give me grief about a year ago. My periods started to go all out of whack and all over the shop. I ended up being in pain often, too often. I just thought that was normal, that it was ‘my age’. I hesitated about going to the doctor, and oh, did I say I fucking hate doctors (except for the doctors at my work who are awesome and a few other rare ones who actually listen). I hesitated because I didn’t trust that I would get anywhere by going. So I waited until I thought had a ‘reasonable’ amount of symptons before going along. When I did my doctor told me that I shouldn’t be in so much pain and she prescribed me the contraceptive pill as the first step. She also sent me off for some blood tests. All the tests came up as fine. I did have a low thyroid function, which I had to have more tests for about 6 weeks later, in that time it rectified itself.

Anyway, that was at the beginning of the year and really nothing is better. I’ve had a range of tests and everything is fine. For this I am grateful. I am grateful that there has been no revealing of cancer or any other revolting, horrible things that other people have had to endure. So why the fuck is my uterous still giving me so much pain?

Over the months the whole ‘thing’ has given me so much grief. I have felt depressed often to a point where I just wish I wasn’t alive anymore. I’ve felt lonely and isolated and like I don’t have any friends that give a shit. The effect on my mental health has lead me to question many things about myself, my friendships and my relationships. Mostly in a very negative sense. Of course no one loves me, I have no friends, the LGBTI community sucks, is completely unwelcoming of me and who I am. No one invites me to coffee or anything, it only happens if I do the organising. And then if I do do the organising no one fucking bothers to come. Of course I logically know that most of this is not true that, that is my negative thoughts and not true at all.

Another contributing factor to my awesomeness is that I have absolutely no energy. Of course I know about the spoon ‘thing’. One of my partners told me about it some time ago. http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ I’ve been working with this idea for a while. The idea simply being that you choose where to put your energy. I decided a while ago that I could only manage one social ‘event’ a week. This being the case it also contributes to how much time I get to spend with friends.

Of course a lot of what I said previously about friends is imagined, I have ‘lost’ some friends in the last few years but more recently I have managed to ‘find’ some lovely new people/friends. The problem here is that I can’t seem to get it together to spend time with them and I have to keep putting it off. This means I’ve become one of these vile people who says they will do something, catch up or whatever and never does. Or constantly lets people down. It’s also difficult to say to new friends, ‘oh I’d love to come, I’ll just need to let you know because I don’t know how feral I will be on that day’. So there’s some awesome people, who probably think I have no interest in them whatsoever and pretty soon I probably will stop getting invitations from them too. I am also very much an introvert and all of this is making me become quite phobic of socialising in groups because I’m not getting any practise and often the energy needed to do larger groups requires too many spoons.

I hate the impact I feel this this has had on my intimate relationships. Sure my partners keep telling me they love me and give me all the supportive words they can at the appropriate times. But I feel like shit. I feel like I let them down constantly because I can’t be myself. I am cranky and irritable and give them a hard time too often. The partner I live with has also had health issues and this has made everything harder for both of us. Being unwell has caused a lot strain. I keep telling the other partner who lives overseas that she is lucky she doesn’t have to be around me. That if she knew what I was really like then maybe she wouldn’t really want to be with me. I met her at the beginning of all this and she has never known me any other way. Conducting not only a new relationship, but one that is also at a distance and the fact that I am polyamorous has been very hard. I feel like I’m hard work for both my partners and often feel guilty for this.

I really love my job which I also started about the time I started to feel unwell. Much of how I feel about other areas of my life applies to my work. I have been fortunate during the time I have been in my new job to apply for and successfully get a promotion. I feel like I have had so much time off work and that I am unreliable there that it bothers me a lot. The balancing of sick leave, time bank and annual leave is all very tricky and something I have to watch constantly. Although one of my staff told me that she thinks I’m a good role model as far as self care goes. I guess that is something. My manager also keeps telling me what I good job I do. Despite these difficulties I think work is the only place I feel fully empowered at the moment, it would be good to have full energy to really be able to do my job as I’d like.

I perform, I do drag king performance and burlesque. I started the burlesque in part to help myself feel better. To feel better about being feminine and attractive. I had some determination in ‘all this’ to try to make myself feel better, to beat it. Even though I had so much self loathing going on, and I really hate my body and at times don’t want anyone to touch me. I thought I will fake it until I make it. I will dress up to the nines and ‘pretend’ I look good. I will defy my body, because I won’t let it make me feel like shit. This has helped a bit at times. What often helps more is the actual burlesque classes and involvement. This is because it brings fun and social interaction.

As all of this is going on, the months are going by and I’m trying really hard in every way to feel OK about myself, but it’s been difficult, it’s hard to maintain and have resilience. I have been to the doctor(s) numerous times and things haven’t worked. Every time I’ve had a test or tried a new medication I have hoped I will feel better, but nothing seems to have any significant impact. I have also tried homeopathy (which is something I believe strongly in), I visit an osteopath regularly, and I’ve had massages. Every time something new is tried there is a gap of a few months between to see if it works. Every time I’ve been to the doctor I talk about being tired and how it’s been ‘doing my head in’, but I haven’t necessarily felt listened to. I have told the doctors continually that in my family there is a history of early peri menopause, but that feels like it’s not been taken seriously. It was only fairly recently that one of them said that is what it might be. I understand that different ‘things’ need to be tried out and they need time. I understand that get rid of the pain and probably the rest will follow. But understanding something isn’t helpful when I’m dealing with consequences of it all.

I am really fucking over having to pretend all the time I am ok. I’m tired of having to ‘make up excuses’ for things, for not going to things or whatever. They aren’t excuses but it begins to feel like that’s how it’s taken by others. It’s vastly annoying if you say you are exhausted and someone else says, ‘oh I know what that’s like’ and gives some stupid example which indicates they don’t have a clue. It’s also annoying if you say something like ‘I feel old’ and you get fucking stupid responses like, ‘you don’t look old at all’... I know I don’t fuckwit, I said I feel it. Or ‘do you have a problem with young people?’...oh course I don’t I said I feel old, I didn’t say I hate youth. Or people telling you how great you look, on days you feel terrible and if you say you feel terrible they look at you like you’re lying. I’m tired of the constant disappointment about really looking forward to attending some social event and then not being able to go. I’m just over it, over it all.

For most of my life I’ve had an accountant gnome. First described by my ex husband. I was both appalled and amused when he went into a very vivid description of my accountant gnome. He described the gnome as a part of me that sits and keeps a ledger and in this ledger all my friends are held accountable for their actions. Well not all, but the ones that do something that hurts me, which, is quite a few. When I first saw the film ‘Harry Potter’, and observed the scene with the gnarled gnome like bank tellers, I thought to myself, that is what my accountant gnome looks like. Pretty ugly, mean, not someone or something you really want to meet in a hurry. The realisation that I had this gnome, was something that I felt I needed to hide from people because I knew the ex hubby was entirely accurate, and really, who wants the world to know about the horrible stuff about themselves without perhaps having the chance to acknowledge it and work on it for yourself.

I guess, like many people I can be interpreted in many ways, but it hasn’t been until recently I have developed an understanding about the accountant gnome and the long term damaging effects he has had on me and my friendships. I guess as a friend I had always thought of myself as open and caring, able to talk about anything, and in fact have wanted to talk about anything and everything with some people. I feel at times I have perhaps given way too much of myself out and this just sets me up to be hurt, and really in those situations there is no other way for it to go, my expectations of the other person were probably way too much, but anyhow this is one circumstance where the gnome steps in. Someone hurts my feelings and he sits back and writes their name in the ledger and puts a big black mark next to their name. I rarely told the person, it’s usually something I am so hurt over and so flabbergasted that they would ‘do that to me’ that I become mute. When I get over it, I forgive the person on the surface, but the accountant gnome sits back keeping the ledger in good order and the effect is has is that I probably don’t ever really trust the person again. The other way that the accountant gnome has worked has been to sit so close to the surface that he doesn’t let me give anything away about myself. He has told me that I am too shy or not worthy of having friends, or letting people get close to me because surely they will just hurt me and he doesn’t want to become overworked.

The last 18 months have been hard when it comes to friends. I found myself in a position where I was extremely tired and burnt out after finishing a uni degree and a few years of being hard core busy doing ‘stuff’ for the (LGBTI) community. I felt very isolated and when I looked around it felt like all my friends had ‘disappeared’. I blame the accountant gnome partly for this and I also know it’s just life. People had moved on in their own lives and were not able or available to catch up with me.

The 18 months after this time have been followed with massive personal changes, including just resigning from my job with no other job to go to and then finding a new one. I’ve also had a major art exhibition, started a new job, been promoted and pursued other creative endeavours. During the last 9 months I’ve had some health issues that remain unresolved, but leave me with very little energy to pursue the multiple things I would have once done. More recently I decided that I would only make one planned social event or occasion a week and it would have to be on a weekend. This is simply because I can’t cope with any more than this. All of this has lead me to think about friends again and what on earth it is that I do wrong with friends. One of my partners suggested that maybe I expect too much, and maybe I do, but I do know that I have had close friends before. In all of this I decided the accountant gnome really had to be killed off.

One of my partners introduced me to the idea of friends and credit points. Now this accounting system seemed much better than the accountant gnome. She explained that basically the way it works is that you meet people, you earn or exchange credit points with them, just a few and the more you get to know them the more points you give and earn. When you have something ‘big’ going on you can discuss this with a friend who you have a pretty good bank of credit points with. I am assuming that perhaps by having this type of conversation some of the points get used up and then you work on building more again, because it would not be ok to let your friend run dry or for that to happen to you.

So it’s all about exchange and more importantly, equal exchange. I’ve been approaching social events and occasions with this idea in mind. I find groups of people hard, I’m basically very introverted and find it hard to engage with a group of people. I remember a woman who I really look up to, once saying that she wasn’t good at small talk. This made me feel so much better about myself, since I admire her so much and really this is me to, the conversations I like to have the most are not light, they are ones that are deeper that challenge me intellectually or emotionally, but it’s hard to have those conversations with people you don’t know well. I realised that in order to earn credit points with people who I don’t know well I must do the small talk ’thing’, and given the previous work of the accountant gnome (which was to destroy or make a mess of all the points with ‘old’ friends) I have had to basically work on starting again with everyone whether they are friends old or new.

My health has also impacted pretty significantly on me emotionally, I have lost a lot of confidence in myself and given I already find people hard, the building up credit points has been tricky. The accountant gnome left me battered and bruised and it’s a very slow process because I don’t see people often, which means I don’t have much credit. Credit is often what I have really felt like I need because I feel so crappy I just want a friend to talk to but don’t feel I should. If I go out to a social event I don’t want to be all depressed and grim because this will generally get me no credit points and it really doesn’t help me feel better either.
Hopefully soon I will feel better and I will have more energy, which will mean I can go out more and get more points. I am trying hard to be a better person, a good friend, a good partner and a good daughter, sibling and all the other roles I play.

I imagine all my pieces of crockery to be individually made, and or collected and handpicked...not the pieces of crap that they are...but at least I have plates to eat off and if I don't want to do the dishes I can just throw the lot out and replace them again.

I think about the time when I might be able to walk into a shop and be ok with spending $100 on a shirt...but hey, I have some really awesome op shop shirts and it's not such a tragedy if something happens to them. I have the ability to find good ones and look ok, and I can afford to buy 'new' clothes, and I have a wardrobe to put them in.

I think about how great it would be to have my own studio space, instead of one small room and a bit of a garage to work in, but hey, I'm lucky I went to art school and I have a degree and I can use my creativity in so many ways.

I get frustrated at my body because it doesn't always work the way I want it to and I've been tired for months and I just want some energy again, but hey, I have access to good health care, I have private health insurance and I am way, way better off than someone with a full on disability or illness of some kind.

I worry about my aging parents and it makes me sad to see my dad turning into and old man...but hey, I have parents that both love me and would never want me to be sad about them. They do ok, they own their own home and both have many many interests to fill their days. And my mum is finally retiring after working 35 years in a job that she started while I was kid to earn a few extra $$.

I worry that I am not being a good girlfriend to both my girlfriends and I sometimes fret that I could do better. I could somehow show them more effectively how much I love and care about them and make them feel safe with me..but hey, I am very fortunate and have worked hard on relationships to even be able to have two girlfriends who care about me so much. Some people don't have one that is anywhere nearly as amazing as mine.

I get concerned that I don't reach out and make friends and keep them and sometimes I feel lonely...but when I stop and think I have friends, I just need to try harder and change the way I do some things, I am lucky I have friends who love me, I have friends who I have had for well over 20 years.

I get annoyed at people who are younger than me, with less qualifications who are in jobs that pay them megabucks...but hey, I have chosen my path and have only worked in jobs that are in line with my personal values for many years now. I choose jobs where I can be totally myself and not hide in any kinds of closets, whereas many people do not like their jobs.

I would love to be able to buy my own house, sometimes it feels so far away. This would give me security that I just don't feel I have..but hey, I can afford to rent a house that is comfortable and warm and gives me shelter, not like many people in Australia and people overseas who don't even have access to fresh water.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and way too much angsting about friends this year and I guess I have reached point where I feel vaguely resolved, although bits still cut and hurt me unexpectedly which I can't control. I thought I had it all sorted and was explaining it to my partner only last night when images came through on facebook that upset me. They were photos of a group of friends meeting up for end of year drinks/catchup. There were a number of women in the photos who I once really cared about as friends and I guess still do. I felt hurt that I hadn't been invited and I guess it made me realise that I probably need to let go of them.

To explain my thoughts and ideas I have to go back a few years. Just before I came out I was in a place where I didn't have much of a social life and all my friends were at having to stay at home and look after small children or babies, whereas I had spent the year studying. I came out and realised that in order for me to grow and change I had to go and meet people. I was very shy and felt very awkward, but I knew I had to get over this in order to move forward, so I did.

I very quickly ended up going to every lesbian event I could and I was having a great time. I felt really comfortable with the women I met and for the first time in my life I felt part of a group. Over a period of time I grew as a person and I used my other skills as a community worker and educator towards doing stuff in and for the community. I was having a ball. I was immersed in lesbian culture (or so I thought).

After a few years some things happened and things turned bad. One of the women who I had been friends with (but had shifted away from a bit) was murdered. I can't, and won't even go there, it was horrendous to say the least. Women in the community came together for her funeral. I'm not sure how long after that, maybe a year or two, one of my best friends suicided. Being told about it was surreal, the whole thing was surreal. I had seen her just the night before, when she had told me that she loved me and wanted to spend more time with me. I had told her I loved her too. I was glad that those were pretty well much our last words to each other. At least we both got to express ourselves.

As I was trying to get over that, only about two months later, another friend who had been well was threatening suicide. It was unbearable, but I helped as best I could. That year I had no less than two other friends with serious mental health issues. As well as my own 'stuff' going on. I had a new job and I was trying to study. During this time I focussed a lot of my energy on these friends, trying to stop them from dying, which, fortunately myself and a couple of oher did prevent. It was also the time, I had my first publicly open polyamorous relationship.

During this time I think it was, was when things got nasty. The community that I had felt so comfortable in, turned on me. I was accused of having all sorts of relationships and fucking any number of people. People were malicious and it was hard for me to go anywhere. There were people who I had been friends with, whose friendships I lost because I spent so much time with my unwell friends, unbeknown to the other friends who probably thought they were just being ignored. Over the next couple of years life continued to be full on. The friendships I had lost were not regained. People move on and I was actually very wary of others. I had a couple of other short relationships or flirtations but they were hard and fraught with difficulties.

Last year I was locked up studying and trying to recover from all these experiences. Members of the lesbian and gay community responses to me varied. Unfortuneatly too many people knew me and a lot of them not actually very well, and it was these people that made assumptions about me. I've experienced people being jealous, putting expectations on me and and what sort of person I am. I found it all very, very hurtful, because I had gone from a little nobody wall flower, to feeling quite empowered with lots of friends, to realising actually they aren't friends and we don't actually have that much in common apart from wanting to fuck women.

At the beginning of this year I found myself feeling more lonely than what I had felt for many, many years. Much of the sense of loneliness I had felt all my life had gone when I came out, obviously there was a connection to that and me finding part of myself. I was feeling a bit like this again. I hadn't felt so lonely for a long time. I might add, this is in despite of having a beautiful partner, who I have been with for 5 years now. I was missing friends.

After finishing my thesis at the beginning of the year I started to get stress headaches and other stress responses at work and I decided that I really needed to take the plunge and give up work. Take a risk and know that it would be ok. I worried that if I didn't then I would get really sick.

After much angsting and writing inappropriately emotional things on facebook this year I find myself in a pretty good place. I have found a number of friends in places I wouldn't expect and have realised I am indeed queer as opposed to just being a lesbian, which to me is more a descriptor of my preferred sexual attraction. I think the LGBT community is a good place to dip in and out of, as it is good to be around people who share an important part of who you are. It's good to be around people who get you on some levels that no one else does. But I think the thing that makes me different or not want to be there all the time is that I LIKE being different. Rather than conforming or trying to conform to heterosexist ideas and relationships of being just like the 'straights' I like my difference. Calling myself queer acknowledges and embraces my poly self as well as my other 'quirks'. Whereas, many people in the LGBTI community (in Canberra anyway) just want to be like the straights. Any other sense of difference is not welcome and indeed threatening.

The things that hurt the most in this process was that I really had blind faith in the LGBTI community and thought that I could just be me. I thought that being part of a minority who experiences discrimination and and heterosexism on a daily basis would mean the lesbian community would be more open. But this is definitely not the case. I became a threat to other women because they couldn't understand me and many didn't want to try. I was having a conversation with a friend recently, who is a lesbian mum, and she said this exact thing. That her and her partner had encountered all sorts of discimination and heterosexist attitude and much of it was from the lesbian and gay community.

In my mind the division is appaulling. I cannot understand bi phobia and trans phobia, I cannot understand why people are not more open and supportive. When my friend suicided people threw their arms up in the air and were shocked that this could happen to 'one of us' and 'we should do something about it'. There were people who didn't even like my friend saying this, who had been nasty to her. Everyone in the lesbian community was saying that as a group 'we' should do something so it doesn't happen again. At the end of that year, when one of my other friends was experiencing bad mental health all she got was shunned. People's memories are very short.

I have realised that (LGBTI) Community does not equal friendship, and it does not equal support. That is something that comes from individuals. I feel a bit like I have regressed in some ways, back to what I was like when I was 23. I am intimidated by groups of people again and find the idea of many social events scary. Many people who are part of the LGBTI community post open invitations to events and 'everyone is welcome', however I don't feel that way, and I am not going to attend something unless I am going with a friend. I don't assume people are my friends at these things, as I've been burnt to many times in the past few years, and even if they say they are inclusive, heaven help you if you are bisexual or trans.

I do finish the year with two very amazing, beautiful girlfriends. I have hit the jackpot. They are both more amazing than words can express. I also found some friends, or realised they were there, in places I didn't expect. I realise I have to work better at my friendships and be more open as I often put walls up for fear of people not liking me or getting hurt. I've realised I am very much an introvert and embrace this. I love performing and it is the time I expect and want to be centre of attention, but it doesn't mean I'm out there and flamboyant all the time. I have also found a marvellous group of women to perform with, who although mostly 'straight' are more open minded than many of the lesbians I found in the lesbian community. I also realised that I probably have and equal spread of queer friends. There are some Ls, a few Bs and Ts and there is even a jelly baby in there.

It took me a while, but I'm out. Being a queer is an essential part of who I am, but it's not all of me. Being a lesbian is a very small part of me, but definitely not all of me either.