Accountant Gnome
Jul. 20th, 2012 06:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
redback_bites23For most of my life I’ve had an accountant gnome. First described by my ex husband. I was both appalled and amused when he went into a very vivid description of my accountant gnome. He described the gnome as a part of me that sits and keeps a ledger and in this ledger all my friends are held accountable for their actions. Well not all, but the ones that do something that hurts me, which, is quite a few. When I first saw the film ‘Harry Potter’, and observed the scene with the gnarled gnome like bank tellers, I thought to myself, that is what my accountant gnome looks like. Pretty ugly, mean, not someone or something you really want to meet in a hurry. The realisation that I had this gnome, was something that I felt I needed to hide from people because I knew the ex hubby was entirely accurate, and really, who wants the world to know about the horrible stuff about themselves without perhaps having the chance to acknowledge it and work on it for yourself.
I guess, like many people I can be interpreted in many ways, but it hasn’t been until recently I have developed an understanding about the accountant gnome and the long term damaging effects he has had on me and my friendships. I guess as a friend I had always thought of myself as open and caring, able to talk about anything, and in fact have wanted to talk about anything and everything with some people. I feel at times I have perhaps given way too much of myself out and this just sets me up to be hurt, and really in those situations there is no other way for it to go, my expectations of the other person were probably way too much, but anyhow this is one circumstance where the gnome steps in. Someone hurts my feelings and he sits back and writes their name in the ledger and puts a big black mark next to their name. I rarely told the person, it’s usually something I am so hurt over and so flabbergasted that they would ‘do that to me’ that I become mute. When I get over it, I forgive the person on the surface, but the accountant gnome sits back keeping the ledger in good order and the effect is has is that I probably don’t ever really trust the person again. The other way that the accountant gnome has worked has been to sit so close to the surface that he doesn’t let me give anything away about myself. He has told me that I am too shy or not worthy of having friends, or letting people get close to me because surely they will just hurt me and he doesn’t want to become overworked.
The last 18 months have been hard when it comes to friends. I found myself in a position where I was extremely tired and burnt out after finishing a uni degree and a few years of being hard core busy doing ‘stuff’ for the (LGBTI) community. I felt very isolated and when I looked around it felt like all my friends had ‘disappeared’. I blame the accountant gnome partly for this and I also know it’s just life. People had moved on in their own lives and were not able or available to catch up with me.
The 18 months after this time have been followed with massive personal changes, including just resigning from my job with no other job to go to and then finding a new one. I’ve also had a major art exhibition, started a new job, been promoted and pursued other creative endeavours. During the last 9 months I’ve had some health issues that remain unresolved, but leave me with very little energy to pursue the multiple things I would have once done. More recently I decided that I would only make one planned social event or occasion a week and it would have to be on a weekend. This is simply because I can’t cope with any more than this. All of this has lead me to think about friends again and what on earth it is that I do wrong with friends. One of my partners suggested that maybe I expect too much, and maybe I do, but I do know that I have had close friends before. In all of this I decided the accountant gnome really had to be killed off.
One of my partners introduced me to the idea of friends and credit points. Now this accounting system seemed much better than the accountant gnome. She explained that basically the way it works is that you meet people, you earn or exchange credit points with them, just a few and the more you get to know them the more points you give and earn. When you have something ‘big’ going on you can discuss this with a friend who you have a pretty good bank of credit points with. I am assuming that perhaps by having this type of conversation some of the points get used up and then you work on building more again, because it would not be ok to let your friend run dry or for that to happen to you.
So it’s all about exchange and more importantly, equal exchange. I’ve been approaching social events and occasions with this idea in mind. I find groups of people hard, I’m basically very introverted and find it hard to engage with a group of people. I remember a woman who I really look up to, once saying that she wasn’t good at small talk. This made me feel so much better about myself, since I admire her so much and really this is me to, the conversations I like to have the most are not light, they are ones that are deeper that challenge me intellectually or emotionally, but it’s hard to have those conversations with people you don’t know well. I realised that in order to earn credit points with people who I don’t know well I must do the small talk ’thing’, and given the previous work of the accountant gnome (which was to destroy or make a mess of all the points with ‘old’ friends) I have had to basically work on starting again with everyone whether they are friends old or new.
My health has also impacted pretty significantly on me emotionally, I have lost a lot of confidence in myself and given I already find people hard, the building up credit points has been tricky. The accountant gnome left me battered and bruised and it’s a very slow process because I don’t see people often, which means I don’t have much credit. Credit is often what I have really felt like I need because I feel so crappy I just want a friend to talk to but don’t feel I should. If I go out to a social event I don’t want to be all depressed and grim because this will generally get me no credit points and it really doesn’t help me feel better either.
Hopefully soon I will feel better and I will have more energy, which will mean I can go out more and get more points. I am trying hard to be a better person, a good friend, a good partner and a good daughter, sibling and all the other roles I play.
I guess, like many people I can be interpreted in many ways, but it hasn’t been until recently I have developed an understanding about the accountant gnome and the long term damaging effects he has had on me and my friendships. I guess as a friend I had always thought of myself as open and caring, able to talk about anything, and in fact have wanted to talk about anything and everything with some people. I feel at times I have perhaps given way too much of myself out and this just sets me up to be hurt, and really in those situations there is no other way for it to go, my expectations of the other person were probably way too much, but anyhow this is one circumstance where the gnome steps in. Someone hurts my feelings and he sits back and writes their name in the ledger and puts a big black mark next to their name. I rarely told the person, it’s usually something I am so hurt over and so flabbergasted that they would ‘do that to me’ that I become mute. When I get over it, I forgive the person on the surface, but the accountant gnome sits back keeping the ledger in good order and the effect is has is that I probably don’t ever really trust the person again. The other way that the accountant gnome has worked has been to sit so close to the surface that he doesn’t let me give anything away about myself. He has told me that I am too shy or not worthy of having friends, or letting people get close to me because surely they will just hurt me and he doesn’t want to become overworked.
The last 18 months have been hard when it comes to friends. I found myself in a position where I was extremely tired and burnt out after finishing a uni degree and a few years of being hard core busy doing ‘stuff’ for the (LGBTI) community. I felt very isolated and when I looked around it felt like all my friends had ‘disappeared’. I blame the accountant gnome partly for this and I also know it’s just life. People had moved on in their own lives and were not able or available to catch up with me.
The 18 months after this time have been followed with massive personal changes, including just resigning from my job with no other job to go to and then finding a new one. I’ve also had a major art exhibition, started a new job, been promoted and pursued other creative endeavours. During the last 9 months I’ve had some health issues that remain unresolved, but leave me with very little energy to pursue the multiple things I would have once done. More recently I decided that I would only make one planned social event or occasion a week and it would have to be on a weekend. This is simply because I can’t cope with any more than this. All of this has lead me to think about friends again and what on earth it is that I do wrong with friends. One of my partners suggested that maybe I expect too much, and maybe I do, but I do know that I have had close friends before. In all of this I decided the accountant gnome really had to be killed off.
One of my partners introduced me to the idea of friends and credit points. Now this accounting system seemed much better than the accountant gnome. She explained that basically the way it works is that you meet people, you earn or exchange credit points with them, just a few and the more you get to know them the more points you give and earn. When you have something ‘big’ going on you can discuss this with a friend who you have a pretty good bank of credit points with. I am assuming that perhaps by having this type of conversation some of the points get used up and then you work on building more again, because it would not be ok to let your friend run dry or for that to happen to you.
So it’s all about exchange and more importantly, equal exchange. I’ve been approaching social events and occasions with this idea in mind. I find groups of people hard, I’m basically very introverted and find it hard to engage with a group of people. I remember a woman who I really look up to, once saying that she wasn’t good at small talk. This made me feel so much better about myself, since I admire her so much and really this is me to, the conversations I like to have the most are not light, they are ones that are deeper that challenge me intellectually or emotionally, but it’s hard to have those conversations with people you don’t know well. I realised that in order to earn credit points with people who I don’t know well I must do the small talk ’thing’, and given the previous work of the accountant gnome (which was to destroy or make a mess of all the points with ‘old’ friends) I have had to basically work on starting again with everyone whether they are friends old or new.
My health has also impacted pretty significantly on me emotionally, I have lost a lot of confidence in myself and given I already find people hard, the building up credit points has been tricky. The accountant gnome left me battered and bruised and it’s a very slow process because I don’t see people often, which means I don’t have much credit. Credit is often what I have really felt like I need because I feel so crappy I just want a friend to talk to but don’t feel I should. If I go out to a social event I don’t want to be all depressed and grim because this will generally get me no credit points and it really doesn’t help me feel better either.
Hopefully soon I will feel better and I will have more energy, which will mean I can go out more and get more points. I am trying hard to be a better person, a good friend, a good partner and a good daughter, sibling and all the other roles I play.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-20 11:07 am (UTC)With the credit, I find it doesn't have to be exactly equal myself - sometimes 70/30 is ok (in one direction or another) with some people sometimes (maybe when you have big reserves stored up in general and so can "lend" a bit more). But it definitely can't be all one way or nothing in the other, or getting into deficit.
no subject
Date: 2012-07-20 12:26 pm (UTC)